My youngest hums.
She has hummed since before she could talk. In the car, in the bath, at the table — a small constant sound she isn't aware she's making, the way you aren't aware you're breathing. She stims. She moves the way her body needs to move.
I have never once asked her to stop.
The world asks instead. It says that's enough now in a hundred small ways, and not one of them has ever come from me. I've stood in checkout lines and felt it — the head that turns, the look that lasts half a second too long, the face deciding what she is in about four seconds flat. People who have never had to know a child like mine, and who won't try.
Here's the part I don't say out loud much. I was that kid too, in a different way. I was in a slow learning program at school. I understood the world differently than the other kids did, everyone around me knew it, and I felt it every single day.
So when she hums and a stranger stares, I'm not imagining what that feels like. I've been on the receiving end of that look my whole life.
Our worlds aren't the same. But they are both different from the one everyone else seems to be standing in, and that is the thing we share.
I think she hears something the rest of us don't. Some days that is beautiful for her. Some days it is genuinely hard on her, and I'm not going to pretend it's only ever the first one.
And here is the other thing about being built differently. I cannot explain this book out loud. Put me in front of a room and ask me what it's about and I will lose every word I have.
But I can build five realms, a magic system made of sound, a language nobody has ever spoken, and a hundred and ninety-four thousand words that hold together from the first page to the last. I can't explain that either. It's like trying to explain why some people can sing and some people can't. It just is what it is.
The speaking is a different thing. That one is an obstacle, and obstacles I know what to do with. I have spent my whole life working at what came easily to everybody else and slowly to me, and I have never once let being bad at something first be the reason I stopped. So I will be bad at talking about this book out loud for a while. Then I will be less bad. That is how everything I can do now started.
So I wrote a girl the world keeps asking to be quieter — and I made the sound she makes the thing that saves it.
She is named in this book and it’s the most beautiful name I have ever written.